They wanted a photo. How could I say no?

Sleepwalking… I am sleepwalking. Every step I do, every thing I say is somehow played in my mind before it happens. I feel like a dancer who has been doing the same routine all over again and at some point I don’t have to think anymore because the movements come naturally. I am in a trance I can’t escape from. All I do, all I am, doesn’t make me thrill anymore. I know what’s coming and nothing surprises me. I can’t feel the blood pumping through my veins anymore, I can’t feel the wind blowing through my hair, I am paralysed. I feel nothing but my own being. I am here, observing, thinking: ‘Is this how I am supposed to feel like? Am I supposed to feel like a doll who is controlled by something, who does everything just because it’s supposed to do so? Is this really what I want to do? How do I escape the routine?’

You see, there is a time, even in a dancer’s routine when something clicks, something changes. I can’t make the same steps anymore because there is something in my way, there is that energy that makes me feel like it is time for a change. So, I let myself carried away by the new movements, steps I’ve never done before, something I couldn’t dare to try or even think of. I do this and feel, somehow, relieved. I don’t know what’s coming next and that makes me feel the rush of the moment. I now live in the very present, because I’ll never know what’s coming next. I just live the present I’m a prisoner in, and yet, I don’t feel constrained anymore …

Outfit: shirt- Stradivarius; skirt- ZARA; ballet shoes: Decathlon;

Photographer: Andra Topan;

Mood: Parson James – Stole The Show;

‘The death takes away all of what you’re not. The secret of life is to “die before you die”- and to discover that death doesn’t exist.’

-The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

Love, IuliAlexandra

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